Waves

I'm the type of person who intentionally walks into the eye of the storm....I stand at the shore's edge as a huge wave approaches me....it's bigger than I am, intimidating and threatens to knock me down and pull me under.
I could turn and walk away, but I don't. That would be too easy, and what would I learn? What would be accomplished by that? My life would remain the same, and that's not what I am here for.
Something inside of me feels it is right to stand my ground.
Then the wave hits, crashing over me ....scaring the bejeezus out of me! I fill with self-doubt (I'm not a strong swimmer! I'm not strong enough for this current! I can't breath! There are sharks!)
I lose my bearings, don't know which way is up - but I stand my ground - keep fighting against the unknown.

My arms and legs brush against something, and something grabs my wrist - and something else wraps around my shoulder! I reach out and discover there are other people here, and I put an arm around one of them, too.
Together we are stronger - the waves crashes around us and finally recede.  It's quiet now, and our eyes adjust and focus on each other.
The silence is broken by the sighs of relief, shouts of joy and victory, and praises of thanks and encouragement.
I am surrounded by some of the world's strongest, most dedicated and compassionate people.  We are all crying, because we are also weak and exhausted.
What we have just experienced, what we have just survived has shaken us - but not broken us. Most importantly, we have found strength in numbers. We have found each other - more crazy people to intentionally and willingly walk to the shore during a storm.
I have given birth not only to a new company, but to a new way of life. It's intense - the research - the service work I am embarking on - the connections I am making - is not for the faint at heart. I am way past my comfort zone and depending on the day (the hour) I pass from joy to fear to strength to weakness. I am now, not alone. I've found others just as crazy and committed to the same ideal. You know who you are, and I am proud to stand on the shore with you.
spark540.org

God who?

Anyone who has known me for some time knows that I'm not necessarily a religious person....so it may seem odd that I've been bringing God up quite often lately.

Well, I'm still me. Still not into "religion".
But I AM into God.  I don't think I really have a choice in this matter, as I've been hit on the head pretty darn hard by Him.  He's got a sense of humor too, which I like (but find infuriating at times).

Here's what I believe.  I have no doubt that there is a power much, much greater than any of us - and this power is love -  and I call this greater power "God" because that's what I've been taught, and I don't feel comfortable calling Him "Fred".

I was raised a Christian, and belong to a church where my children are receiving their foundation, but I find value in almost all other faiths.

I feel that a person's faith depends on their culture and upbringing.  I happened to have been born in the U.S.A, and was raised in the Christian faith and have a bible that tells me that I am RIGHT.....but I have friends who have their own books, professing that THEY are right.
I've talked with many people of many other faiths who are committed in their beliefs - and frankly - I feel that God is pleased with any of us who choose to get to know Him better. I don't feel that any of us are RIGHT.
I think maybe we are all doing the best that we can, within the limits of our cultures and exposures, and that is enough.  If we keep seeking to know Him, then He is pleased.

God is love.  I (try to) follow the Golden Rule -which is within every religion I have encountered "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You".

Search, love, serve and honor.

I won't profess to be RIGHT. I'll just say that I'm a person who strives to do better, and who wishes to learn more about God through my own and others' religions.  We'll all find the Truth when we are gone from this planet. Until then.....

LOVE.

~K

Revelations (Part 1)

Oh, how I wish I could post a long essay today, about all I have learned in the past 2 weeks!  But it's best that I wait before sharing.
I anticipate that many readers will be shocked by a series of events.....as I was.

I am a hunter and gatherer now. I'm hunting for truth, and gathering information as I can.

I need to get my head together before posting.   After sifting through all this new information, I've learned a lot about lies, deceit, compassion &  love. Through it all, I am grateful to be surrounding by caring friends.

Kim

Kim Who?

So, here I am doing something I said I'd NEVER do......starting a blog.  

There are thousands of other blogs created by women (men probably too!) who are also in the midst of undertaking the new & huge endeavor of adopting.  Why?  Because the adoption of an older child is scary.  No, it's terrifying.  So much hangs on the edge....a lot of pressure, and complications, and red tape and obstacles and so many other things I don't even know about. Yet.

Until now, I've had great friends by my side cheering me on.....to them I say THANK YOU.  I've also been "venting" a bit on another social media forum (a little company called Facebook.....heard of it?) but I really and truly don't want to be bogging down people's "newsfeeds" with adoption stuff, because frankly, I know that most people don't give a hoot and that's OK!

If you want to know what I had for dinner, or that my dog ate my new shoes......go to Facebook for that (not so) important stuff.

Why a blog?  Because there are a zillion other "adoptive moms" out there who know the ropes, and have done the same.....receiving much support and having an avenue to get questions answered, to have fears eased and to learn from other seasoned moms out there in cyber space!  They search for other adoptive moms online, and we - as a team - are fierce!   Just like if you are an artist, you might search for blogs that connect you to other artists.

Oh, and writing a blog means that a reader actually has to "log in" ON PURPOSE.....so frankly, if you don't want to hear about my adoptive journey.....DON'T LOG IN!  It's as simple as that!

But wait.......I'm expressing myself AND asking for donations to bring a little girl out of poverty & parentlessness (is that a word?) into a family.  How dare I?!!!

Well, the way I see it is ...... how dare I NOT?  I can pay for this all by myself.  I can.  It will take me about 3 or 4 years to do it though.  And Z will be sitting in an orphanage without parents for that much longer.  The longer she stays there, the harder it will be for her.  It's as simple as that.  Financial help will help HER not me.  I'm fine.  I'm sitting here in my comfy bathrobe with food in my belly and a doctor to visit if I don't feel well. I'm very, very rich.  But not in the financial sense.  Without you, I repeat, it will take YEARS to bring Z home.

My theory is, people will read my blog for any of the following reasons:

1. You know me & are interested in following along on my journey of becoming an adoptive mom to an older child (so much more complicated than being pregnant, where there wouldn't be much to blog about it except swollen ankles!)  You may or may not be able to help with finances, but you ARE there for support and encouragement.  Leave me a note or comment so I'll know!  THANKS!

2. You don't know me personally, but are interested in my journey.  Maybe you are a seasoned adoptive parent who "knows the ropes"and can help address my concerns.....maybe not.  But you are a kind person who cares.  WELCOME!

3. You are a spy, and you think you'll find some real juicy tid-bits of incriminating evidence here.

4. You surfed in by accident, oops!  If you'd like to stay, please pull up a chair, pour yourself a cup of coffee and get to know me!  Or the door is that way >>>!

Baby Steps

For years, I often responded to fear by becoming paralyzed. Stuck. Afraid to make a decision or take that first step.  Fear can be paralyzing, and I allowed that to happen to me too often.  


Don't get me wrong, I've done a lot with my life so far!  I've already taken chances that many would never contemplate.  
I'm a contradiction in many ways.  I've jumped off a lot of proverbial cliffs, with no safety net - yet get "stuck" on seemingly simply decisions.


I never understood that about myself, but I've learned that's ok.  I don't have to understand everything.  


What I can't accept about myself anymore, is saying no.....when I know I should be saying yes.   
Take this for example.....starting a blog.  Some friends and veteran adoptive parents have been encouraging me do this.  I have said no. 
What is the point of it?  The answer is threefold.


1. This may be a vehicle for me to express myself and gain support and needed encouragement regarding my pending adoption of an older, Russian, special needs child - and all that comes along with it. 
I am fully aware that those who have never tread the adoption waters may not "get it" and think it's no big deal.  I am also fully aware that it IS, indeed, a huge deal - especially the type of adoption I am undertaking, and I could use all the understanding, words of wisdom and encouragement I can get!


2. This is the hardest part, and the point of most of my resistance.  I placed myself into Z's shoes when I made this decision, and realized that from her perspective, I'd be selfish NOT to blog and ask for as much help as possible to get her out of that orphanage and into a family.  I can't afford this on my own.  I close my eyes and imagine one of my biological children in her shoes.  If one of them was in that place; malnourished, afraid, & lonely I would kick, scream, fight and beg everyone I know to help me get to my child. 
So, I'm here. And you are reading this.  You haven't left yet.  That's a good thing.  


3. I am here now as a result of a chain reaction.  A friend, my daughter, me, Z.....all those lives affected......and if I don't remain silent, maybe the chain reaction will continue.  Maybe you will carry a torch one day?


So, I've taken my first baby step.  One......two.....three......"post"!