Baby Steps

For years, I often responded to fear by becoming paralyzed. Stuck. Afraid to make a decision or take that first step.  Fear can be paralyzing, and I allowed that to happen to me too often.  


Don't get me wrong, I've done a lot with my life so far!  I've already taken chances that many would never contemplate.  
I'm a contradiction in many ways.  I've jumped off a lot of proverbial cliffs, with no safety net - yet get "stuck" on seemingly simply decisions.


I never understood that about myself, but I've learned that's ok.  I don't have to understand everything.  


What I can't accept about myself anymore, is saying no.....when I know I should be saying yes.   
Take this for example.....starting a blog.  Some friends and veteran adoptive parents have been encouraging me do this.  I have said no. 
What is the point of it?  The answer is threefold.


1. This may be a vehicle for me to express myself and gain support and needed encouragement regarding my pending adoption of an older, Russian, special needs child - and all that comes along with it. 
I am fully aware that those who have never tread the adoption waters may not "get it" and think it's no big deal.  I am also fully aware that it IS, indeed, a huge deal - especially the type of adoption I am undertaking, and I could use all the understanding, words of wisdom and encouragement I can get!


2. This is the hardest part, and the point of most of my resistance.  I placed myself into Z's shoes when I made this decision, and realized that from her perspective, I'd be selfish NOT to blog and ask for as much help as possible to get her out of that orphanage and into a family.  I can't afford this on my own.  I close my eyes and imagine one of my biological children in her shoes.  If one of them was in that place; malnourished, afraid, & lonely I would kick, scream, fight and beg everyone I know to help me get to my child. 
So, I'm here. And you are reading this.  You haven't left yet.  That's a good thing.  


3. I am here now as a result of a chain reaction.  A friend, my daughter, me, Z.....all those lives affected......and if I don't remain silent, maybe the chain reaction will continue.  Maybe you will carry a torch one day?


So, I've taken my first baby step.  One......two.....three......"post"!