Waves

I'm the type of person who intentionally walks into the eye of the storm....I stand at the shore's edge as a huge wave approaches me....it's bigger than I am, intimidating and threatens to knock me down and pull me under.
I could turn and walk away, but I don't. That would be too easy, and what would I learn? What would be accomplished by that? My life would remain the same, and that's not what I am here for.
Something inside of me feels it is right to stand my ground.
Then the wave hits, crashing over me ....scaring the bejeezus out of me! I fill with self-doubt (I'm not a strong swimmer! I'm not strong enough for this current! I can't breath! There are sharks!)
I lose my bearings, don't know which way is up - but I stand my ground - keep fighting against the unknown.

My arms and legs brush against something, and something grabs my wrist - and something else wraps around my shoulder! I reach out and discover there are other people here, and I put an arm around one of them, too.
Together we are stronger - the waves crashes around us and finally recede.  It's quiet now, and our eyes adjust and focus on each other.
The silence is broken by the sighs of relief, shouts of joy and victory, and praises of thanks and encouragement.
I am surrounded by some of the world's strongest, most dedicated and compassionate people.  We are all crying, because we are also weak and exhausted.
What we have just experienced, what we have just survived has shaken us - but not broken us. Most importantly, we have found strength in numbers. We have found each other - more crazy people to intentionally and willingly walk to the shore during a storm.
I have given birth not only to a new company, but to a new way of life. It's intense - the research - the service work I am embarking on - the connections I am making - is not for the faint at heart. I am way past my comfort zone and depending on the day (the hour) I pass from joy to fear to strength to weakness. I am now, not alone. I've found others just as crazy and committed to the same ideal. You know who you are, and I am proud to stand on the shore with you.
spark540.org

Sandcastles & War

Today I celebrate with 2 families that have brought their children home forever.  As full as my heart is for them, and their children - my heart is heavy and breaking for Z who is still in that institution waiting and wishing for a family to call her own.

It was a year ago this week that we returned from Rus$i@, having been touched by such beautiful children, and such poverty as we'd never seen before.

My eyes were open before the trip.  I saw nothing that surprised me, and I didn't learn anything that I didn't already know.  BUT, now I have experienced it.  Felt it.  Breathed it.

What is "it"?

A profound shift in my soul.  A confirmation. An affirmation of what I've always known about myself.  That THIS is the life I was meant to lead. I am to be a voice for the voiceless.  I am to speak for those who cannot yet speak for themselves.  I am to bring hope.  I am to bring their stories out of the darkness.
I am to do so much more than I ever have in my life before this.

This is NOT all about a trip to a Rus$i@n orphanage.  Oh, no.  This is about the power of "Yes".  This is about experiencing something so powerful, so painful, so unnerving - and not saying "No".

I was silent during our trip last year (for those who know me, I assure you, I WAS SILENT!).  I told my travel partner (2 adults, 2 children traveled together) that I was not sure what my role was on this journey, but that I KNEW there was something powerful at work within me.  It was extremely difficult for me to remain still, but I knew that was my job.  I knew that I needed to listen.  Absorb.  Reflect.  Watch.

The language barrier made it easier for me to be silent, but still, it was tough not to form opinions.  It was difficult to refrain from offering solutions, from giving answers to questions that weren't asked.

I'm not a patient person.  I have boundless emotional and creative energy, that demands prompt response and action in return. Knowing this, you can imagine how uncomfortable I was on that trip to Rus$i@ last year.  I KNEW something was changing, and I wanted to know right away what I was supposed to do about it!

But, I felt a nudge to be still.  And so I trusted.  We returned, and the summer passed.  Each morning, I would arise, turning my gaze upwards asking "Today? Is today the day you will make your plan clear to me"?  Each night, I lay in bed in the silence of a summer evening, cocking my ear towards the heavens, listening....remaining still and silent.

Nothing.

During the day, my mind and my heart were filled with memories of Z and V - the little girls that stayed by my side during our visits to the orphanage.  Their stories standing before me, like beautiful sandcastles - crumbling from lack of moisture - as I tried desperately to catch the granules of their sorrows in my hands, but could not.  I imagined holding their broken dreams, keeping them safe, until one day we could begin to rebuild their stories together.

2 girls.

We talked as a family, and it was agreed that we would commit to adopt one.  Only one, because the financial strain would be close to unbearable to adopt one, but impossible to bring both girls home.

We had no right to make such a decision.  We run a small business that has been hit hard in the economic crisis over the past few years.  We got caught in the middle of fraudulent bank practice when we attempted to modify our mortgage.  We were scammed by a woman posing as an attorney, who took several thousand dollars from us.  We were on our knees begging for financial mercy!  Through it all, we accrued no more debt.  We don't use credit cards - if we can't pay cash, we don't buy it.  We paid our bills, ate a lot of pasta and prayed for resolution. However....I knew.  I still know.  It was the right thing to do.  It is the right decision.  Like it or not, WE SAID YES.

V needs eye surgery.  She appears to have the same eye defect that my bio daughter had and received treatment for (2 eye surgeries).  Left untreated, V will most likely continue to lose vision in both of her eyes, slowly but surely as the years go on.  She should have surgery and glasses by now, but that is not to be.  It is unlikely that she will ever be provided corrective lenses, and almost guaranteed that she will never have the necessary surgery she requires.

Z has a life threatening illness that is treatable, and with proper medical care, she can live a full life.  Without proper treatment, she does not have a long life expectancy.  She will "age out" of the orphan care system at age 16, and likely not live to see her 21st birthday.

Through tears, prayers and anguished consideration - we chose Z.

(But I still yearn, and hold hope to one day bring V home too, I won't lie)

But something was missing.  I  began to research the adoption process, we opened a savings account, I called agencies and attorneys, we received donations and support from family, friends and strangers.

I became a zealot in pursuit of more information and knowledge about orphans around the world. I wanted to know everything there was to know about this topic, including our own parentless children here in the U.S.A.  I interviewed foster children, I met with group home directors and social workers, and one day a video came across my desk.  It stated the number of orphans world wide, and tugged at my heartstrings and drew me even deeper into the "Orphan Crisis".

It was then that my journey took a sharp turn onto a different path.  And it's not what I ever expected.  I am not one to get drawn in by "warm and fuzzy" videos or stories.  Because of this single video, I "surfed" right into the dark side.  Unknowingly, unwittingly, and oh-so-gratefully.  I'm not afraid of the dark side.  I feel empowered.  I feel strong.  I feel useful.  I feel energized.  I feel that my prayers were answered.  I had been silent, listening, and here was my answer. This is war.

I swallowed my pride and reached out to 2 brilliant, brave, influential, leaders who have rocked my world.  I am humbled that they have honored me with their attention and insight.

And then.....

BAM.  Rus$i@ closed it's doors to U.S adoptions.

That was several months ago.  It's been a nightmare.
I am just now getting word that we've got a "green light" to move forward.  That's another post.


So here I am.  A year ago I felt lost.  Today, I know exactly what I am supposed to do.

Bring Z home.
Fight for the ones I cannot bring home.
Honor those in the trenches with me.
Hold my children and their father close, and love them with all my heart.
Bring awareness and provide support to globally conscious teens at the nonprofit youth organization that I founded last fall (one way of being a voice for the voiceless).

And somewhere in there......learn to forgive.  That's another post, too.

God who?

Anyone who has known me for some time knows that I'm not necessarily a religious person....so it may seem odd that I've been bringing God up quite often lately.

Well, I'm still me. Still not into "religion".
But I AM into God.  I don't think I really have a choice in this matter, as I've been hit on the head pretty darn hard by Him.  He's got a sense of humor too, which I like (but find infuriating at times).

Here's what I believe.  I have no doubt that there is a power much, much greater than any of us - and this power is love -  and I call this greater power "God" because that's what I've been taught, and I don't feel comfortable calling Him "Fred".

I was raised a Christian, and belong to a church where my children are receiving their foundation, but I find value in almost all other faiths.

I feel that a person's faith depends on their culture and upbringing.  I happened to have been born in the U.S.A, and was raised in the Christian faith and have a bible that tells me that I am RIGHT.....but I have friends who have their own books, professing that THEY are right.
I've talked with many people of many other faiths who are committed in their beliefs - and frankly - I feel that God is pleased with any of us who choose to get to know Him better. I don't feel that any of us are RIGHT.
I think maybe we are all doing the best that we can, within the limits of our cultures and exposures, and that is enough.  If we keep seeking to know Him, then He is pleased.

God is love.  I (try to) follow the Golden Rule -which is within every religion I have encountered "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You".

Search, love, serve and honor.

I won't profess to be RIGHT. I'll just say that I'm a person who strives to do better, and who wishes to learn more about God through my own and others' religions.  We'll all find the Truth when we are gone from this planet. Until then.....

LOVE.

~K

I'm back.  I needed to hit the brakes and take some time to reflect on all I have discovered since I opened this new book titled:


"I had a goal to adopt but it turned into an eyeopening education on so much injustice in this world but don't worry you will meet amazing and inspirational people along the way and you now have an opportunity to join an army of dedicated and passionate people who are fighting for those without voices".


It's a great book - I'm only in chapter 2 though.  But I'm back.  Here, on these 'pages', I will record my adoption journey as well as my life journey into the world outside my own previously sheltered existence.  


I've shed many tears over the past few months.  I put my head down and wept.  A few times, I curled into the fetal position and sobbed, asking my God WHY there was such injustice in the world.  I've  been in conversation with God and I've even shouted at him in anger.  That's ok though, because He knows my heart even better than I do, and he can take a punch now and then.  I've also learned that God has a sense of humor.  When I'm done with my temper tantrums, complete with fist shaking up at the heavens, I inevitably find myself in the middle of an epiphany, with God just standing off in the corner with a lop-sided smile on His knowing face, arms crossed as if saying "I TOLD you to trust me". 


Well, that's how I imagine it anyway.


So here I am, refreshed and renewed (more or less).  I'm a bit battle worn and shaky as I prepare to take hold of the reigns He has trusted me with.  This is gonna be some ride! 

Revelations (Part 1)

Oh, how I wish I could post a long essay today, about all I have learned in the past 2 weeks!  But it's best that I wait before sharing.
I anticipate that many readers will be shocked by a series of events.....as I was.

I am a hunter and gatherer now. I'm hunting for truth, and gathering information as I can.

I need to get my head together before posting.   After sifting through all this new information, I've learned a lot about lies, deceit, compassion &  love. Through it all, I am grateful to be surrounding by caring friends.

Kim

Orphan Nation

Feeling Lucky?

I am.  I'm feeling Lucky and it hurts so much.

I hear about so many children who are looking, wishing, praying, hoping, dreaming of a family to belong to.  Children of all ages, shapes and sizes.  Children of all stages of health, sickness & physical abilities.

I am drawn to the older children.  I ache for them. I feel so small and insignificant when I swallow the bitter pill called "you can't save them all".

I am a realist (despite my dreamy and scattered outward demonstration of my personality).  I am a realist, and I realize that I am very, very small.  And the number of hurting children is so very, very large.

So I hear a lot of stories.  I meet a lot of parents and their children.  Once in a while, one story - one child - reaches out an pierces my heart until it bleeds.

Lucky is one of them.  There needs to be no particular reason "why" one child affects me more than others.    I have stopped asking "why" in pretty much all areas of my life.  The only thing that matters is that IT IS.

Please hold Lucky in your heart, your thoughts, and if you pray - please pray for him.  Pray for all children who yearn to belong......

There has GOT to be someone out there who is willing to bring Lucky into their family.  There's just got to be someone.......

Lucky's story here. 

Trolls & Hurdles

It's a good thing I've got a sense of humor, and a faith that is strong, because it appears I'm in for the fight of my life!  Actually, I take that back.  I'm in for the fight for Z's life!


I'd better pick up the pace on those work-outs at the gym, because it looks like I'll be facing some pretty high hurdles along this journey to bring Z home.


A friend recently taught me about trolls.  Little, mean spirited people who are full of hate toward the adoptive community.  


Wait....what?


Yeah, you read that correctly.  So far, I haven't "met" one but I understand they peruse the web for blogs written by adoptive parents, and spew their venom in efforts to dissuade the parent's efforts to bring a child home.


Again, you read that right.  I am sad for my online friends who have to deal with this, and hope I may be lucky enough to avoid having to face that kind of hate.

So, I'm on the look-out.  If I spot a troll, I'll be ready!   




In the meantime, I have already been facing enough obstacles to make me pause and reflect.


I've questioned my sanity.  I've questioned my judgement, my reasoning, my faith and my commitment.  Adoption was not on my bucket list!  


But everything changed last year, when compassion trumped all other plans.  I experienced a physical reaction to the plight of one child, and I know what I have been called to do.


I have been called to be a mother to Z.  


This has caused me so much confusion.  Why confusion?  Well, I've always believed that things happen for a reason.  I still believe that, but I'm stumped.  I believe God's hand is in this.....and I trust....I really do....but I'm human and have questions.  I'm also an impatient human, and want answers now!  


My question is: Why has God chosen a mother who cannot afford to do this?  It feels right, it feels that I've made the right choice, but I don't have the means to do it on my own.  So what's up with that?  Not only can't I just pay for the adoption myself, there are already obstacles in the way of my path, above and beyond the financial burden.


It's a lot of political mumbo-jumbo that I'll weed my way through, but still....it's daunting.  The region Z lives in, has a temporary freeze on adoptions.  This has happened countless times in the past, and I have been assured that this setback will pass.


Last month, Russia amended the 'family code' to extend the processing time frame between court decisions, written rulings & adoption decrees.  This results in added travel and expense for the families.


The U.S & Russia signed an agreement last summer that is casting shadows over many decisions being made by potential adoptive parents.  I won't let this dissuade me from my goal, but the paths I walk may differ from the ones I set out on.


Baby steps, right?  Just one step at a time.  I shouldn't look at the whole race.  Just this one lap.  I'm strong enough to jump over the first hurdle.  I'm already running straight at it. And if a troll tries to block my way, I'll stomp on him!


Meanwhile, Z doesn't know she already has me on her side.  I AM her mom, and by thinking of her, praying for her, advocating - educating- and fighting for her.....I am acting as her mom.  
My prayer for her is that she feels hope and peace and love......when she looks out the window that is near her bed, and sees the moon.....she'll be wishing for a family.  


WE ARE RIGHT HERE, Z.  And we're coming as quickly as we can!!  

Kim Who?

So, here I am doing something I said I'd NEVER do......starting a blog.  

There are thousands of other blogs created by women (men probably too!) who are also in the midst of undertaking the new & huge endeavor of adopting.  Why?  Because the adoption of an older child is scary.  No, it's terrifying.  So much hangs on the edge....a lot of pressure, and complications, and red tape and obstacles and so many other things I don't even know about. Yet.

Until now, I've had great friends by my side cheering me on.....to them I say THANK YOU.  I've also been "venting" a bit on another social media forum (a little company called Facebook.....heard of it?) but I really and truly don't want to be bogging down people's "newsfeeds" with adoption stuff, because frankly, I know that most people don't give a hoot and that's OK!

If you want to know what I had for dinner, or that my dog ate my new shoes......go to Facebook for that (not so) important stuff.

Why a blog?  Because there are a zillion other "adoptive moms" out there who know the ropes, and have done the same.....receiving much support and having an avenue to get questions answered, to have fears eased and to learn from other seasoned moms out there in cyber space!  They search for other adoptive moms online, and we - as a team - are fierce!   Just like if you are an artist, you might search for blogs that connect you to other artists.

Oh, and writing a blog means that a reader actually has to "log in" ON PURPOSE.....so frankly, if you don't want to hear about my adoptive journey.....DON'T LOG IN!  It's as simple as that!

But wait.......I'm expressing myself AND asking for donations to bring a little girl out of poverty & parentlessness (is that a word?) into a family.  How dare I?!!!

Well, the way I see it is ...... how dare I NOT?  I can pay for this all by myself.  I can.  It will take me about 3 or 4 years to do it though.  And Z will be sitting in an orphanage without parents for that much longer.  The longer she stays there, the harder it will be for her.  It's as simple as that.  Financial help will help HER not me.  I'm fine.  I'm sitting here in my comfy bathrobe with food in my belly and a doctor to visit if I don't feel well. I'm very, very rich.  But not in the financial sense.  Without you, I repeat, it will take YEARS to bring Z home.

My theory is, people will read my blog for any of the following reasons:

1. You know me & are interested in following along on my journey of becoming an adoptive mom to an older child (so much more complicated than being pregnant, where there wouldn't be much to blog about it except swollen ankles!)  You may or may not be able to help with finances, but you ARE there for support and encouragement.  Leave me a note or comment so I'll know!  THANKS!

2. You don't know me personally, but are interested in my journey.  Maybe you are a seasoned adoptive parent who "knows the ropes"and can help address my concerns.....maybe not.  But you are a kind person who cares.  WELCOME!

3. You are a spy, and you think you'll find some real juicy tid-bits of incriminating evidence here.

4. You surfed in by accident, oops!  If you'd like to stay, please pull up a chair, pour yourself a cup of coffee and get to know me!  Or the door is that way >>>!

Baby Steps

For years, I often responded to fear by becoming paralyzed. Stuck. Afraid to make a decision or take that first step.  Fear can be paralyzing, and I allowed that to happen to me too often.  


Don't get me wrong, I've done a lot with my life so far!  I've already taken chances that many would never contemplate.  
I'm a contradiction in many ways.  I've jumped off a lot of proverbial cliffs, with no safety net - yet get "stuck" on seemingly simply decisions.


I never understood that about myself, but I've learned that's ok.  I don't have to understand everything.  


What I can't accept about myself anymore, is saying no.....when I know I should be saying yes.   
Take this for example.....starting a blog.  Some friends and veteran adoptive parents have been encouraging me do this.  I have said no. 
What is the point of it?  The answer is threefold.


1. This may be a vehicle for me to express myself and gain support and needed encouragement regarding my pending adoption of an older, Russian, special needs child - and all that comes along with it. 
I am fully aware that those who have never tread the adoption waters may not "get it" and think it's no big deal.  I am also fully aware that it IS, indeed, a huge deal - especially the type of adoption I am undertaking, and I could use all the understanding, words of wisdom and encouragement I can get!


2. This is the hardest part, and the point of most of my resistance.  I placed myself into Z's shoes when I made this decision, and realized that from her perspective, I'd be selfish NOT to blog and ask for as much help as possible to get her out of that orphanage and into a family.  I can't afford this on my own.  I close my eyes and imagine one of my biological children in her shoes.  If one of them was in that place; malnourished, afraid, & lonely I would kick, scream, fight and beg everyone I know to help me get to my child. 
So, I'm here. And you are reading this.  You haven't left yet.  That's a good thing.  


3. I am here now as a result of a chain reaction.  A friend, my daughter, me, Z.....all those lives affected......and if I don't remain silent, maybe the chain reaction will continue.  Maybe you will carry a torch one day?


So, I've taken my first baby step.  One......two.....three......"post"!