Today I celebrate with 2 families that have brought their children home forever. As full as my heart is for them, and their children - my heart is heavy and breaking for Z who is still in that institution waiting and wishing for a family to call her own.
It was a year ago this week that we returned from Rus$i@, having been touched by such beautiful children, and such poverty as we'd never seen before.
My eyes were open before the trip. I saw nothing that surprised me, and I didn't learn anything that I didn't already know. BUT, now I have experienced it. Felt it. Breathed it.
What is "it"?
A profound shift in my soul. A confirmation. An affirmation of what I've always known about myself. That THIS is the life I was meant to lead. I am to be a voice for the voiceless. I am to speak for those who cannot yet speak for themselves. I am to bring hope. I am to bring their stories out of the darkness.
I am to do so much more than I ever have in my life before this.
This is NOT all about a trip to a Rus$i@n orphanage. Oh, no. This is about the power of "Yes". This is about experiencing something so powerful, so painful, so unnerving - and not saying "No".
I was silent during our trip last year (for those who know me, I assure you, I WAS SILENT!). I told my travel partner (2 adults, 2 children traveled together) that I was not sure what my role was on this journey, but that I KNEW there was something powerful at work within me. It was extremely difficult for me to remain still, but I knew that was my job. I knew that I needed to listen. Absorb. Reflect. Watch.
The language barrier made it easier for me to be silent, but still, it was tough not to form opinions. It was difficult to refrain from offering solutions, from giving answers to questions that weren't asked.
I'm not a patient person. I have boundless emotional and creative energy, that demands prompt response and action in return. Knowing this, you can imagine how uncomfortable I was on that trip to Rus$i@ last year. I KNEW something was changing, and I wanted to know right away what I was supposed to do about it!
But, I felt a nudge to be still. And so I trusted. We returned, and the summer passed. Each morning, I would arise, turning my gaze upwards asking "Today? Is today the day you will make your plan clear to me"? Each night, I lay in bed in the silence of a summer evening, cocking my ear towards the heavens, listening....remaining still and silent.
Nothing.
During the day, my mind and my heart were filled with memories of Z and V - the little girls that stayed by my side during our visits to the orphanage. Their stories standing before me, like beautiful sandcastles - crumbling from lack of moisture - as I tried desperately to catch the granules of their sorrows in my hands, but could not. I imagined holding their broken dreams, keeping them safe, until one day we could begin to rebuild their stories together.
2 girls.
We talked as a family, and it was agreed that we would commit to adopt one. Only one, because the financial strain would be close to unbearable to adopt one, but impossible to bring both girls home.
We had no right to make such a decision. We run a small business that has been hit hard in the economic crisis over the past few years. We got caught in the middle of fraudulent bank practice when we attempted to modify our mortgage. We were scammed by a woman posing as an attorney, who took several thousand dollars from us. We were on our knees begging for financial mercy! Through it all, we accrued no more debt. We don't use credit cards - if we can't pay cash, we don't buy it. We paid our bills, ate a lot of pasta and prayed for resolution. However....I knew. I still know. It was the right thing to do. It is the right decision. Like it or not, WE SAID YES.
V needs eye surgery. She appears to have the same eye defect that my bio daughter had and received treatment for (2 eye surgeries). Left untreated, V will most likely continue to lose vision in both of her eyes, slowly but surely as the years go on. She should have surgery and glasses by now, but that is not to be. It is unlikely that she will ever be provided corrective lenses, and almost guaranteed that she will never have the necessary surgery she requires.
Z has a life threatening illness that is treatable, and with proper medical care, she can live a full life. Without proper treatment, she does not have a long life expectancy. She will "age out" of the orphan care system at age 16, and likely not live to see her 21st birthday.
Through tears, prayers and anguished consideration - we chose Z.
(But I still yearn, and hold hope to one day bring V home too, I won't lie)
But something was missing. I began to research the adoption process, we opened a savings account, I called agencies and attorneys, we received donations and support from family, friends and strangers.
I became a zealot in pursuit of more information and knowledge about orphans around the world. I wanted to know everything there was to know about this topic, including our own parentless children here in the U.S.A. I interviewed foster children, I met with group home directors and social workers, and one day a video came across my desk. It stated the number of orphans world wide, and tugged at my heartstrings and drew me even deeper into the "Orphan Crisis".
It was then that my journey took a sharp turn onto a different path. And it's not what I ever expected. I am not one to get drawn in by "warm and fuzzy" videos or stories. Because of this single video, I "surfed" right into the dark side. Unknowingly, unwittingly, and oh-so-gratefully. I'm not afraid of the dark side. I feel empowered. I feel strong. I feel useful. I feel energized. I feel that my prayers were answered. I had been silent, listening, and here was my answer. This is war.
I swallowed my pride and reached out to 2 brilliant, brave, influential, leaders who have rocked my world. I am humbled that they have honored me with their attention and insight.
And then.....
BAM. Rus$i@ closed it's doors to U.S adoptions.
That was several months ago. It's been a nightmare.
I am just now getting word that we've got a "green light" to move forward. That's another post.
So here I am. A year ago I felt lost. Today, I know exactly what I am supposed to do.
Bring Z home.
Fight for the ones I cannot bring home.
Honor those in the trenches with me.
Hold my children and their father close, and love them with all my heart.
Bring awareness and provide support to globally conscious teens at the nonprofit youth organization that I founded last fall (one way of being a voice for the voiceless).
And somewhere in there......learn to forgive. That's another post, too.
It was a year ago this week that we returned from Rus$i@, having been touched by such beautiful children, and such poverty as we'd never seen before.
My eyes were open before the trip. I saw nothing that surprised me, and I didn't learn anything that I didn't already know. BUT, now I have experienced it. Felt it. Breathed it.
What is "it"?
A profound shift in my soul. A confirmation. An affirmation of what I've always known about myself. That THIS is the life I was meant to lead. I am to be a voice for the voiceless. I am to speak for those who cannot yet speak for themselves. I am to bring hope. I am to bring their stories out of the darkness.
I am to do so much more than I ever have in my life before this.
This is NOT all about a trip to a Rus$i@n orphanage. Oh, no. This is about the power of "Yes". This is about experiencing something so powerful, so painful, so unnerving - and not saying "No".
I was silent during our trip last year (for those who know me, I assure you, I WAS SILENT!). I told my travel partner (2 adults, 2 children traveled together) that I was not sure what my role was on this journey, but that I KNEW there was something powerful at work within me. It was extremely difficult for me to remain still, but I knew that was my job. I knew that I needed to listen. Absorb. Reflect. Watch.
The language barrier made it easier for me to be silent, but still, it was tough not to form opinions. It was difficult to refrain from offering solutions, from giving answers to questions that weren't asked.
I'm not a patient person. I have boundless emotional and creative energy, that demands prompt response and action in return. Knowing this, you can imagine how uncomfortable I was on that trip to Rus$i@ last year. I KNEW something was changing, and I wanted to know right away what I was supposed to do about it!
But, I felt a nudge to be still. And so I trusted. We returned, and the summer passed. Each morning, I would arise, turning my gaze upwards asking "Today? Is today the day you will make your plan clear to me"? Each night, I lay in bed in the silence of a summer evening, cocking my ear towards the heavens, listening....remaining still and silent.
Nothing.
During the day, my mind and my heart were filled with memories of Z and V - the little girls that stayed by my side during our visits to the orphanage. Their stories standing before me, like beautiful sandcastles - crumbling from lack of moisture - as I tried desperately to catch the granules of their sorrows in my hands, but could not. I imagined holding their broken dreams, keeping them safe, until one day we could begin to rebuild their stories together.
2 girls.
We talked as a family, and it was agreed that we would commit to adopt one. Only one, because the financial strain would be close to unbearable to adopt one, but impossible to bring both girls home.
We had no right to make such a decision. We run a small business that has been hit hard in the economic crisis over the past few years. We got caught in the middle of fraudulent bank practice when we attempted to modify our mortgage. We were scammed by a woman posing as an attorney, who took several thousand dollars from us. We were on our knees begging for financial mercy! Through it all, we accrued no more debt. We don't use credit cards - if we can't pay cash, we don't buy it. We paid our bills, ate a lot of pasta and prayed for resolution. However....I knew. I still know. It was the right thing to do. It is the right decision. Like it or not, WE SAID YES.
V needs eye surgery. She appears to have the same eye defect that my bio daughter had and received treatment for (2 eye surgeries). Left untreated, V will most likely continue to lose vision in both of her eyes, slowly but surely as the years go on. She should have surgery and glasses by now, but that is not to be. It is unlikely that she will ever be provided corrective lenses, and almost guaranteed that she will never have the necessary surgery she requires.
Z has a life threatening illness that is treatable, and with proper medical care, she can live a full life. Without proper treatment, she does not have a long life expectancy. She will "age out" of the orphan care system at age 16, and likely not live to see her 21st birthday.
Through tears, prayers and anguished consideration - we chose Z.
(But I still yearn, and hold hope to one day bring V home too, I won't lie)
But something was missing. I began to research the adoption process, we opened a savings account, I called agencies and attorneys, we received donations and support from family, friends and strangers.
I became a zealot in pursuit of more information and knowledge about orphans around the world. I wanted to know everything there was to know about this topic, including our own parentless children here in the U.S.A. I interviewed foster children, I met with group home directors and social workers, and one day a video came across my desk. It stated the number of orphans world wide, and tugged at my heartstrings and drew me even deeper into the "Orphan Crisis".
It was then that my journey took a sharp turn onto a different path. And it's not what I ever expected. I am not one to get drawn in by "warm and fuzzy" videos or stories. Because of this single video, I "surfed" right into the dark side. Unknowingly, unwittingly, and oh-so-gratefully. I'm not afraid of the dark side. I feel empowered. I feel strong. I feel useful. I feel energized. I feel that my prayers were answered. I had been silent, listening, and here was my answer. This is war.
I swallowed my pride and reached out to 2 brilliant, brave, influential, leaders who have rocked my world. I am humbled that they have honored me with their attention and insight.
And then.....
BAM. Rus$i@ closed it's doors to U.S adoptions.
That was several months ago. It's been a nightmare.
I am just now getting word that we've got a "green light" to move forward. That's another post.
So here I am. A year ago I felt lost. Today, I know exactly what I am supposed to do.
Bring Z home.
Fight for the ones I cannot bring home.
Honor those in the trenches with me.
Hold my children and their father close, and love them with all my heart.
Bring awareness and provide support to globally conscious teens at the nonprofit youth organization that I founded last fall (one way of being a voice for the voiceless).
And somewhere in there......learn to forgive. That's another post, too.
I don't know why... But I feel like you will bring V home to... Maybe it is because so rarely does someone adopt only once? I don't know... But I see you with more than one adopted child! Would love to hear an update on your adoption process!
ReplyDeleteAlysa, Thank you for your encouragment. Sadly, the Russian adoption laws have changed, and it is out of my control. HOWEVER, I believe that many things happen for a reason. Not every little thing of course, sometimes it's just a coincidence - but many times I feel our Creator has a plan that shows itself according to His timing, not ours. So much has happened since our trip to Siberia. So much has changed since making a commitment that we may never to able to keep. I have let my blog sit dormant for months, but plan to update very soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading!